No time for hesitations, doubts or wonderings. No ifs, no ands, no buts. I want tp be the one I’ve always wanted, the one I’ve always dreamed of.. And I know that I have to let go of fear, afraid of what? That I do not know. Maybe its my fear of not being good enough, not fitting in, failure. But then again, I know what I’m capable of, so I shall. No, I will. I will never surrender.
I read one of you got engaged. The other is expecting another child. The last one keeps being a shitty mess I don’t even want to talk about.
When did life ever get to change so quickly in just a couple of hours? The one person I never expected to change has taken a huge leap onto faith.
I cannot say I’m sad about it, of course not, the person in question is mature, intelligent, handsome and probably the biggest crush I’ve had since.. That place in the north.
But somehow it hurts, hurts to know that everything will change, that this person is growing.. And I’m not, not even slightly close to do something of the sort. I might be “intelligent” (according to people, at least), selfish enough as to care only for me when I’m ready to leave this town.. Vain, funny? Attractive? Whatever I am, its not reflecting..
And somehow receiving these news shocked me, for all the week all I could hear was the word “engaged”, and when I was told that he would take a big place in my life, without my request and/or permission, my reaction was a thought of “oh fuck.. What am I going to do now?”, and breathing heavily and making stupid and senseless scenarios in my mind..
And just when I was about to give up all hope.. Once again we had “our” moment, and once again I let it go.. For sanity? Survival? I don’t know what it was.. But I had to let go, as I must do now.. And it hurts, breaks me to imagine things that are happening and I’m not able to change..
Somehow feels like I’m watching everything from a display window. The moon hasn’t been much help either, it just brings back painful moments, and my scumbag brain seconds those thoughts.
I can’t say I’m depressed, I’m just being forced to grow up and start watching how some of the most important people in my life change.. And I’m no longer needed or requested.
So here’s to you, mon Complainte de la Butte, my last glass of wine of the night. Thank you, you are, and will remain one of my closest aquaintances ever.. After all, let’s not forget that the reason we started talking was about the one person that has made me cry.
You haven’t been able to accomplish that, but then again, when I think of you.. I am reminded of a Cameron-House relationship.. Let’s put on the record that I’m not complaining, I just had to think of something to describe us by with terms we both know by heart.
Thanks.. For everything, really; and cheers darling! I am smoking my tears away. Deleting those pictures of “us” and setting straight that from now on, you and I are only friends, and that’s all I want from you.
In a very real sense, people who have read good literature have lived more than people who cannot or will not read.
It is not true that we have only one life to lead; if we can read, we can live as many more lives and as many kinds of lives as we wish.
Lately I haven’t gone out in order for me to do whatever school requires me to do, this also includes me from staying away from social networks and concentrate on what is important to me. Due to some of those actions, some of my friends are inquiring if I’m upset with them or why am I staying home so much. Is me staying and doing what I must selfish? I think not, but then again I know I must not be so.. Is antisocial the right word that applies in these situations? Well.. Whatever it is, I believe I must find a balance between having fun and just stay home reading. I know school is important, and also what my plans are, but I can’t understand why other people don’t! There, saying that.. Is that selfish or is it just me getting carried away by my most used common mistake in the past couple of years, partying? Big dilemma and I can’t find a suitable answer. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to think more clearly and find the middle between school and my social life (which, as it is, is none).
Today was a good day, apparently my birthday wish came true.. Sort of, but after a conversation with the mirror, receiving a compliment and talking to some friends, everything seems to go according to plan. And I couldn’t be any happier :)
